What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with YOU?

The two worst things ever said to me…

“Don’t you think you are just being impatient” I think this one was so hurtful because it came from my own father…

and

“How old are you?” (http://ow.ly/Rfct) – How old are YOU? When did YOU have children? This wouldn’t be a question if i fell pregnant naturally!

*sigh* unless you’ve been here, unless you experience IF… you have NO IDEA…

Wow! I can’t believe that lady said that to you! I have had some mean things said to me. I just try to forget them. I guess the worst is people that just say I’m being impatient or stressing too much. Or if God wants me to have children, He will give them to me. How rude of you to say that while you are trying to juggle 4 kids! Does that mean you are more special to God? Or more holier than me? That I’m some kind of sinner in God’s eyes, because I’m having problems getting pregnant. Ugh. It’s rude. They should just keep their mouths shut.

I have had a lot of people tell me, “oh your so young, you still have time.” When time is not on our side, in our situation. or people have asked, “why do you want a baby at your age.”

I’ve had a urologist remind me that we needed to hurry up and get pregnant b/c I’m not young any more (no shit, Sherlock).

I’ve heard the God comments-”It’s all a part of God’s plan” (what, that we struggle with infertility while drug addicts get knocked up by spreading their legs); “Maybe people with infertility aren’t meant to get pregnant’ (fuck you) and things of that nature.

“you’re thinking about it too much. Stop thinking about it and it will happen.” Really? That pretty much 1) didn’t work in the beginning, and 2) how the hell am I supposed to NOT think about it after TTC for almost 3 years? It’s the one thing that I want the most and seemingly cannot attain-at least not easily.

And one of my faves-”Why don’t you just adopt?” I seriously want to punch people when they say that. Not that adoption isn’t wonderful but damn, I want to be pregnant if at all possible and so far there’s no reason that I can’t get preg with medical intervention.

I am LOVING this blog post!!!

I think the worst thing was “Are you STILL trying to do the baby thing?” How do you answer that….”Oh, no, it got tough so I decided my heart no longer burns with the desire for a child”?
WTF?! Reading comments above I also agree that the age thing is irritating…..I fall on the older end of the spectrum, but older or younger, it is none of their business!!!!!

wow I can’t believe someone would say that!!! People have some nerve!!! I’ve been pretty lucky…after the miscarriage I kept hearing “relax” and “it will happen when it’s supposed to” …probably the worst was my mom telling me I needed to see a therapist because I seemed sad! Of course I am sad! I have a big mouth so I just told everyone what I thought..lol

Chasing a Miracle: HEH! I have asked that right back to people. “May I ask how old YOU are?” I have a smile on my face and have asked in a soft and polite tone. I usually get, “Um…yeah…well.” Sigh.

Ashley: The God’s plan thing doesn’t cut it. I don’t know why people say that. It is VERY rude.

Baby Hang: Sigh. A baby at “your age.” You should say, “Yeah well, I lost my virginity at 12 so I really am light years ahead.” Heh! Messed up? YES. But very, very funny. A pin will be heard dropping on a cushion, I tell ya’.

Becca: “Not meant to get pregnant…” If I had a dime for every one of those comments. I have said in the past, “Sea Biscuit wasn’t meant to run races but look, a movie AND a book! Right? Amazing!” People are fucked up.

Kitty: Yeaaah. I would say, “Are you STILL trying to lose weight? WOW. Been a long time and yet still the same size. Why is that?” Heh, heh! I am cruel.

Jen: Therapy is good! And I, too was told to relax after miscarrying which I have to say was not such a bad thing to hear, as well.

I love your responses. Keep em’ coming! Happy New Year!

I had a coworker tell me that reproductive therapy is selfish and that people who cannot have children of their own should just adopt. Women who don’t want children or can fall pregnant naturally just don’t understand the pain we feel from not being able to conceive on our own.

Also, my mother keeps telling me that people who adopt ALWAYS get pregnnt on their own. Like it’s some kind of a bargaining tool with god. “look God, will you give me my own baby if I adopt this one?”. Sheesh!

What people don’t seem to u derstand is that you get pregnant and adopt for different reasons- they are not equivalent. Therefore, adoption does not solve the pain we feel. Indeed, I tend to think that adopting when you have your heart set on conceiving your child is the wrong way to go. You have to come to the decision to adopt separately because it, like fertility treatments, is a long term process and committment not to be taken lightly.

Glad to get that off my chest!

The worse thing said to me is by a member of my own family a few month after we lost our twins and decided that we wanted to try again (it was a long shot but we felt in our hearts it was right) this person said “I think you need to grieve a little while longer before you try again, it hasn’t even been 6 months since you buried your sons.” It hurt so incredibly bad because we were going to therapy, we got the OK from our ENTIRE medical team, I was so stressed out when we went in to try again through a froze embryo transfer that I believe it was a HUGE reason why the transfer did not take.

Going through a loss as huge as losing our twin sons and then having to deal with infertility on top of it has been the biggest struggle my husband and I have had to face. We have had some of the shittiest stuff said to us but the one statement that truly pisses me off to NO END is “Everything happens for a reason, they are in a better place”, no NO NO NO, I swear .. the next person who says that to me is going to get it. My sons did not die because of a purpose, they do not belong in heaven they belong with us!!!

I honestly could go on and on in regards to the crap that people say to us in regards to our TTC, the same ol “Relax, it will happen when it is mean to happen”, “Have you thought about adoption” this one .. while adoption is our last resort, it is not the path that we are on at the moment.

I just wish someone would write a book on etiquette on how to talk to a woman going through infertility, and a mother grieving after a loss and give it to every jackass out there so they know what to say and what NOT to say before they open their damn mouth.

Whew … that felt good to get that all out!

Marieke. I got that A LOT from people. Namely the MIL and evil SIL.

And how wonderfully put – that the decision of adoption is separate and not to be taken lightly. Truly wonderfully put!

Court – I’ve miscarried three times in my life. Twice as I was trying and once, whilst pregnant. My little girl had a sibling, yes.

I DID get the comment, “Better place.” And I always wondered, “WHY? A better place than in the arms of parents who will love this child?!”

I have a friend who adopted two gorgeous children from Russia. When she found out I was pregnant, the phone calls stopped coming. It was as if she wanted me to be a member of her special club. I’ve heard that she said to our mutual friend, “Beth will be LUCKY if her baby isn’t retarded. She tried for soooo long. God know what’s wrong in there. She should have adopted.”

So, yeah. While adoption is a viable and terrific option, it’s a whole other ball of wax and separate from infertility. And it is SHOCKING that some of the worst offenders with their commentaries are…women. No girl power there, friend!

IF someone wrote a book, I will be the first to endorse it. Mark my words. I will buy it and endorse it and kiss the cover. Such a delicate topic. And yet, we are such strong women.

I actually wrote a whole post about the well-meaning things that people say that piss me off: http://stateiamin.com/?p=1025

Personally, the thing that people say that pisses me off the most is, “I know how hard this is for you.” And generally, those are the people that accidentally got pregnant, or tried for all of 30 seconds before getting pregnant. No. Actually, you DON’T know how hard this is for me. You can’t even imagine.

So I actually had a comment from my mom that hurt my feelings. It was after we found out that we will probably need fertility treatments, and she asked if there was a possibility for multiples. I said, yes, but they try not to have the whole Jon and Kate thing because it’s so risky. She made the comment, “Well, they shouldn’t be playing God. If it’s meant to be then it would happen.” Wow. Thanks mom. I just shut down after that and got off the phone as quickly as possible before I burst into tears.

We are not very out about our trying and most certainly not out about the problem of PCOS slowing down TTC.

As far as babymaking in general, my mother said, “You are way too young to ever start thinking about having children, I wish I would have wait until now to have any of you, and I’m 45! I don’t feel a 20-something is mature enough, mentally, emotionally or financially to have children.”
She started having kids at 18, when she got pregnant “accidentally” and had 5 total before getting her tubes tied (having her last at the age of 28) At the time I had been married almost 2 years, to a man with a good enough job to let me stay home and take care of the house and to top it all off, my little brother (who was 18 at the time) just had a little girl and I am sure didn’t get the same tongue lashing… So needless to say, she knows nothing about our journey.

My MIL said “You’re too young, you have time.” I shrugged at her.

It does feel pretty nice to get that off my chest. Thank you for making this post and I am sorry that everyone posting here has had to endure some really awful comments. Sometimes people need to just be kicked.

The thing which hurt me the most is someone who said that infertility was like survival of the fittest. That people who couldn’t conceive naturally weren’t meant to have children and that only the strongest people should pro-create. So drug addicted mothers are strong?

The same person said that our health service should not cover IVF. Well my tax pays for smokers with lung cancer to be treated and treatment for all manner of people doing things they shouldn’t do. So why shouldn’t we all get a shot at happiness when I have done nothing to deserve this?

The bottom line is nobody gets IF unless they have been through it. It is hell and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.

Hi, it’s good to know that thoughtless & hurtful people exist worldwide and not just here in the UK and that I’m not just being “oversensitive because of all those hormones you’ve been pumping in like they are going out of fashion”!
The worst thing said to me? Well there are so many, and usually the ones that hurt most are when someone is trying to be kind, so that when you burst into floods of tears because of it, they realise they said the wrong thing, they feel awful & that makes you feel worse! I think my top 2 are:- when I miscarried just hours after our first EVER positive pregnancy test and after IVF at aged 39 someone said “oh well, never mind, at least it shows you CAN get pregnant” and this time after our final chance at IVF (although we were lucky enough to be able to freeze some embryos so if they survive freeze/thaw and if we can raise the money we have one last chance) we got a negative result and someone said “well at least it’s not like last time when you got a positive and then lost it”.
“Normal” people just don’t get it. EVERY failed IVF and EVERY period feels like a lost baby now, or is that just me?
Love & hugs to you all. X

Two of the comments I’ve had are:
‘You just need to relax’ from a Nurse of all people
& ‘Now you’re on the list for IVF you’ll fall pregnant naturally’ from my MIL.

OK, so I have tubal problems, relaxing and being on a waiting list will not fix that.

Or people who have chosen to be childless, assuming that we are childless through choice too, as I’m keeping the IVF quiet I have to just go along with them

I’ve also heard a lot of people say that the NHS shouldn’t pay for IVF (although not to me personally), that it’s not an illness….

Let’s hope that 2010 brings us all a sticky BFP xx

Someone once came on my blog and said that “God is telling me that I am a terrible mother and this is why I am unable to carry a baby in my poisoned uterus.” That was fun… but to be honest that isn’t the worst.

See I have one healthy and non-IVF conceived baby, most people will say, “you already have a child (some of them being people on fertility websities,) why are you putting yourselves through this.” Making me in some way feel like we are being selfish for wanting 2 children. 2 people, I’m not the Octomom. I am 30 years old, I have one amazing little boy. I know how AWESOME kids can be (as well as how difficult) so am I such a terrible person for doing everything it takes to bring ONE more baby into this house? I don’t think so.

Oh, and the whole it will happen when you stop trying. I HATE THAT! No it won’t. It is science. You need an egg to ovulate. You need good lining. The sperm has to meet the egg. Some people are so dumb!

Good luck to everyone out there. 2010 will be the year!

xx

I’ve heard it all, but the worst came from my SIL who said, “Maybe you’re just one of those people who will never have kids.” This was before we had the official infertility diagnosis, and though it might not seem bad, it really stung. I’ve also heard that God doesn’t want me to have a child and I’m forcing the issues. I’ve been asked if I’m absolutely sure I want a baby. I’ve been told that surely I don’t want to visit Vegas pregnant after my second IUI–so maybe it would be better if it didn’t work. And I’ve been told by a pregnant woman that she would happily switch with me if she could. I think no matter what people say, even if they are trying to say something that makes you feel better, there are always comments that are going to get underneath our skin. What I’ve learned from this is: respond. Don’t ever ignore it. Say snarky things back–because guess what? They deserve it. You don’t have to be rude about it but it WILL teach them that you are sensitive about the issue and maybe they will learn not to be so nosey!

Here’s hoping for more miracles and less idiots in 2010!

Erin: I had an ex-friend named Deb who whined and moaned through life. She married a great guy (she still complained) and declared, “I do NOT want a baby with this great body I have.” Well, wouldn’t you know she had sex once (she told the world her sexual business. Poor husband. No respect) and got pregnant. And all she did the entire pregnancy was complain and whine. After her baby shower (where she declared, “The baby was an accident! I don’t even want her!”), I decided I could not be friends with her any longer. Harsh, I know. (My guess is that she tried all of thirty seconds, complained, and called her BFF and gave the details.)

Rosie: I fought for my company to cover IVF. There is a panel of NINE people who determine what is covered and what is not – in our insurance plan. JUST nine. Well, the women in the panel were the ones who voted it down (again, the women are the big offenders.) The men voted yes and they lost due to their numbers. One woman who was aged 60 plus said, “What do I care about pregnancy. I HAD my kids.” Another said, “I don’t like kids.” Mind, the second woman had eye surgery weeks prior. And I thought, ‘Oh? I wear glasses. Why should *I* cover her lasik surgery?!’ Also… ‘She has cats and STILL has allergies. Why should I cover her shots! Isn’t it her problem that she has issues? She should NOT even attempt to have cats. In fact? I don’t like cats. I like dogs so…why should I cover her want of cats.’ Gawd…

Rebecca: My MIL said and says stuff like that all the time. Horrible. I am so sorry you went through that with your mom. Who cares about Jon and Kate, btw. They are NOT the masses. So sick of explaining that to people.

Em: My MIL had her first at 17 years of age. And yesterday she complained about her tenant saying, “What’s WRONG with her? She is TOO young to have her four kids.” Realllllllly. Her tenant had her first at age 20 so… Across the board, people forget their own stories. And, yes – I think there is a reprieve for the men and their situations. And usually, in my experience, it is the women who scrutinize fellow women. And turn a blind eye to the other half of the couple. It lends men NO credit and lends women too much social pressure. I think so.

Jilly: I got that comment, too! When I lost one of the twins recently. I wanted to slap that person (It was a nurse. Horrid woman. Don’t get me started.) I could tell she didn’t know what to say so she said what was easy and standard, across the board regardless of each person’s story. Some people just don’t think. Additionally, I am sorry your next experience harbored a negative result in your test. Sucks. The good thing with being 39 years old and doing IVF is that you still have excellent chances ahead of you. I just wish it were less expensive. I do.

IVFBlogger: I had a nurse tell me that, too. (See above. Horrid woman.) “Just relax!” Really? Laying on my back, in stirrups, naked and with a probing device inside me is not really relaxing for me. Call me crazy, you know?
She always said that to me….”Relax!” And yet, I’d just show up on time, sit patiently in the waiting room while listening to her rant on the telephone or run around the office, frantically shouting at her staff. I finally had to complain to my doctor and we did have a sit down about it. One of my main complaints was her use of the word, “Relax!” She said that to every patient across the board. I likened it to a teacher who tells every student to, “Try harder!” – even those who have perfect marks or attendance. Somehow people think they are great leaders, touting familiar phrases that have little to do with the individual experience at hand. UGH.

Robin: If God made that determination, why did God also create the great men and women who are doctors, helping those with fertility issues. Some patients need a little, “push.” I reallllllly despise when people drag god in to this. So that means God thought an ill fit mother who beats her kids is a better candidate than us? Crazy.
I am very happy you have one beautiful child and it is no one’s business to bring that judgement upon you. I wish you the best of luck in achieving your dream for a second child.

IN FACT? I wish ALL of you a lot of luck and love. I am here if you need me. And if IVF is an option for some, feel free to ask me anything. If IVF is not an option, feel free to still turn to me for questions or just to simply vent … or not.

Bottom line is, I may be fortunate enough to have a baby on the way but that does not mean I am over my fertility issues. It is a part of who I am and well, as sucky as it is, I am proud to be me. It’s made me resilient and more patient (albeit frustrated a lot of times every month that went by.) I am who I am. However, would I change the fertility headaches? Yes. I would be much obliged. But since it will always be a part of me, I shall stand tall (although I am on the shorter side.) And just learn more about my body and write about these sort of experiences.

Whatever you wish to discuss, don’t hesitate. We ALL have our stories. We should go on Oprah or something, heh! Hey….there is a THOUGHT.

2010 will be an outstanding year. It WILL be. I just know it. I feel as if I know all of you personally and well, I feel GREAT things.

xo B

Oh, Katie! JUST saw your message. I wrote mine as you wrote yours!

Snarky is GOOD. Some people deserve a response. Although I don’t know why people say anything in the first place. Very often, it’s not even a discussion until the other person brings it up. Why? What business is it of theirs?

I wish I made a t-shirt that said, “NO. NOT YET. SO STOP ASKING.”

Off topic…Vegas, eh? Never been. Dying to go.

OMG – its nice to see that everybody experiences the same comments!

I have found in the past, the ‘it will happen soon’ line to be annoying and one of my friends said to me ‘didnt you want children?’ – im only 31 please do not write me off just yet!!!!

Erin – thats why I started my blog as everyone kept saying i know how you feel – its worked!

We all are strong women which will make us the best mums!!! xxx

OMG did you punch her in the face? I would have punched her in the face. Seriously.

Nothing too bad this year, but I wrote a post a couple months back about an experience a few years ago… where right after a miscarriage a very religious friend decided she needed to counsel me on how IVF is immoral (even though I hadn’t done IVF, and wasn’t planning on it).

Babywishes: 31 is young! Gawd. Sometimes friends say the dumbest things…like ever.

Busted Kate: That is a very disturbing story. Tsk tsk to your friend for making an assumption about your personal life, first of all. And for making an assumption about well, life in general.

WOW! The comments for this article are un-real! We all hear stuff that really bothers us regarding our “infertile” situation. Here is ours:
While talking to our parents regarding pursuing the adoption process and saying that things might happen fast due to our paperwork situation…one of our father’s said;
“Are you sure you’re ready? This will really change your life.”
REALLY? Like we haven’t heard that from everyone who already has children and…REALLY? Haven’t we been trying for 4+ years already and…REALLY? If we weren’t ready would we actually go through the process…and REALLY? If things had worked out normally we would have 2 kids by our plans by NOW!!
Thanks for letting us VENT!

Been away and only just getting to this now! Great posts! Oh my goodness there are so many insensitive people! I just try and pass off comments as ‘well they don’t understand, how could they ever understand so I am not going to spend my time making myself stressed and trying to MAKE them understand’. If that makes sense….

Well that’s how I’d like to be anyway….in reality, we’re all human and I will gladly scream at the top of my lungs to the next person that says ‘When you stop trying, it’ll happen.” . Yep, cos how, when you want to be pregnant, do you ‘forget’ where you are in your cycle. Not to mention the ‘You just need to take 2 weeks off and go on holiday’ brigade, oh of course! Dur….yes, that’s where we’re gong wrong is it? The joy of hearing all the stories of a friend of a friend who thought she couldn’t get pregnant and she started drinkng from a water filter/insert random thing here and then they got pregnant the next month. And how could I forget the woman at work (and I should add I am very open about our ivf now but wasn’t before) who said “Are you STILL not pregnant then?” More the tone of voice that bothered me than the words. It was as if I was the stupidst person in the world who clearly wasn’t doing something right.

Sigh.

Still I feel lucky the comments I’ve had are not as bad as a friend of mine who was holding a colleagues new baby when she’d come in on a maternity leave visit when the baby started crying and someone else in the room, who knew she’d had fertility treatment said “I think you should face it, babies don’t like you Sarah…” Lovely work.

First of all, congrats on adoption. That is a beautiful thing, missy.

Secondly? What one of your father’s said is totally kooky but my word, a dime for every person who heard THAT…there would be no deficit. Why do parents say that sort of stuff? Are they afraid of something or just hoping to give sage advice? Perhaps we will never know.

Oh, Helen. Those comments are balls out rude. And you are SO right about the tone of the words. The tone is absolutely appalling. And I totally had my share of tone in my direction. Boy, do I relate to that.

“STILL not pregnant?” I despise people who say that. I almost want to reply, “STILL no face lift?” Or whatever suits that person. Just saying. Nasty gets nasty – at least in my head it does.

But holy moly, the “babies don’t like you” comment was off the charts. Your poor friend. Did anyone actually say something to the person who commented? She was either making a joke and forgot the circumstances (let’s hope for the best) or she is just plain putrid.

The person who said it was a man. No excuses for him really, just utter insensitivity. Don’t know if anyone said anything but the girl I know was too shocked to speak and , oh how this is familiar…went off for a cry in the toilets because no-one really understood how she felt..

I don't think the declining value of the dollar is reason to have multiple marriage partners for the sake of children. Society has addressed this issued this with advent private daycare. In today's society the role of women are no longer limited to homemaker and caregiver. Women.

My mil waited until she had my husband to herself before asking how our infertility was “going”. Not wanting to go into all the gory details of the 4 IUIs and meds we'd just endured, he told her we would probably be looking at IVF or adoption to become parents. Without hesitating, she said- “Well, we hope you'll adopt, we feel like IVF is 'playing God'.” Why is it ignorant and people with no experience with your situation are the quickest to throw advice? Mind you, they know we're 4 years into this- this is the 2nd time ANYone his side has bothered to ask ANYthing. Also, how would you announce you're pregnant to people who have said things like that to you?

JL…I hear ya', sis. I wish you the best of luck with adoption or ivf. You will be a wonderful mother because you realize right from wrong behavior. I admire you…

I’m a bit late on this thread but have found all your comments really helpful. A really good friend of mine is currently going through ivf (first attempt just failed and gearing up to attemp 2). I know they have only told a few people and so I really want to ensure I live up to my trusted position and can be a help and support to her. I’m pretty clear now on what I shouldn’t say (although so many comments here are totally unbeleiveable – people can be so insensitive!!), but does anyone have any advice on what has been most helpful in terms of support from freinds? I would hate to put my foot in it trying to help.

Lots of love and hugs to you all x

I Just found your blog and I LOVE it. My hubby and I have been trying for 3 years it took us 9 months to have our daughter. (We are very blessed to have her) But we want her to have a sibling. So 3 years. My hubby’s family are a different lot. Some practice polygamy some not but most of the 19 in laws all want 15 kids. NOT KIDDING! Well one of my SIL said that she wanted at least 15 to witch I replied jokingly WOW 15 are you CRAZY! There is no way we could have that many. I am happy with just one. She said. Well god tells us to multiply and replenish the earth. The least I can do is have all the kids no one else will have. The only thing you are going to regret is not having them. At this time I had been on fertility drugs for 6 months and we had been trying for just over 2 years. Ya needless to say not my fav in law!

I am amazed and mortified at what I’ve been reading here! People have some issues, or are just plain mean! Isn’t there a bumper sticker just to let those people know they suck! I say each offender gets a new bumper sticker in this years Christmas stocking! WOW!
Thankfully, I have not yet heard comments like that, with exception to ‘you are exactly in the place you are supposed to be right now.’ that was coming from a well intentioned friend who I know truly loves me. So she is forgiven. I did tell her that is pacifying and leaving it up to fate which does not help with the pain of it.
My husband and I are beginning our IVF procedures and looking into going overseas for financial reasons. Beth, do you know anyone who has gone this route? Or anyone else who has info re their experience….any help is greatly appreciated.
Lastly, thank you for your blog Beth, it’s hilarious first of all, and therapeutic with its information and contributing commenters. And knowing we (collective supporters of women, and women w fertility struggles) ARE NOT ALONE! I am so happy to hear you were given the gift of a healthy baby. Keep blogging friend.