It’s all brand, spanking new

When I was told about my fertility challenges, I felt my heart buckle.  When I miscarried, I felt my heart thumping uncertainty.  When I was told about IVF, I felt my heart  stop.  My heart has done all sorts of things – and if I could take it out for one minute, stroke it and tell it, “Thank you for putting up with all of this”  I would do do that.

But I can’t.  So the only way to really tame a wild heart is to be that person the heart yearns for one to be.   Grateful.  Optimistic.  Cautious but not stressed.  Happy Go Lucky.  Smily.  You get the gist.

Today, I felt a little freaked out. Not because I am afraid of something awful happening to the baby (we all have some fear in that, lets face it)  But because I now know who this little person will be.  My daughter.  A girl with pudding on her face and cereal on her shirt.  And mary jane shoes.  A girl who will say, “thank you” and “sorry” and most importantly, “I love you.”

I’ve loved some people in my life so hard.   Without getting to personal – I have and I still do.  Love doesn’t leave a beating heart (the heart again had and still has a run for its money!)  Love co-exists with so many of life’s ups and downs and coming and goings.  Love doesn’t fade.

I am honest about love and have no problems saying, “I love you.”  I mean it every time.  And when I say, “I am in love with you,”  it means exactly as it sounds.  Buterflies and smiling out of a bus window towards the gum on the pavement.  Because at that moment, even the gum looks like silly putty art and the bus driver, like friendly George Burns.  Love is giddy.

Today, I felt a little freaked out.  (I know I wrote that before my tangent)  Why?  Because I have this little girl I love so deeply and so hard and nothing will ever compare to it.  Not a thing.  I feel as if I know her so well and have dreamt about her.  I feel when she is born I will want (and might just) say, “It is FINALLY nice to meet you, kiddie!”

I am in love with a 10 oz person.  She’s me.  And I am her.  And there is so much emotion my heart is skipping to but I can’t describe it coherently.

All I know is, just when I thought I couldn’t love a person more – here I am.  And there you are.

I hope this makes sense.

My ankles are huge still.  🙂

5 Responses to It’s all brand, spanking new

  1. _courtn3y December 17, 2009 at 3:23 am #

    Oh hon, this made me tear up. I know all of the feelings you are going through. The love and the worry.

    The love you express is incredible and this little girl you hold so near is lucky to have such a wonderful mommy!
    *hugs*

    This is my link to my TTC blog hon.

  2. Helen January 3, 2010 at 3:19 pm #

    Stop making me cry, that is just beautiful! What a lovely blog Beth. Something to show the little one when she’s old enough! (er…if we still have blogs.By then, we may be transferring our thoughts to each others eyelids or something. )

    I haven’t written my blog since the ivf before last. Ah I was so optimistic then…And it hurt too much to write it for a while when it didn’t work out. And then neither did the next one. But think I may start again. It’s http://itsjustwind.blogspot.com. You have inspired me!

    xx

  3. Beth January 3, 2010 at 3:48 pm #

    Ooooh, Helen. That is so kind of you to write that. Thanks!

    Tried to go to your blog but I am denied access. Could you officially invite me so that may read your work? Thanks!

  4. _courtn3y January 5, 2010 at 5:00 am #

    Oh hon, this made me tear up. I know all of the feelings you are going through. The love and the worry.

    The love you express is incredible and this little girl you hold so near is lucky to have such a wonderful mommy!
    *hugs*

    This is my link to my TTC blog hon.

  5. promotional bags uk January 9, 2010 at 5:51 am #

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