You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
– Robin Williams
I’ve been feeling flutters in my body lately. Like butterflies. I know it’s my little baby and that he/she is reminding me of how big he/she is getting.
I’m almost 20 weeks which means I am half-way there. Maybe even closer since my intuition is telling me my baby will be slightly early.
My intuition also tells me I am having a boy.
Intuition. Some say intuition is nonsense because logic should override a hunch or a gut feeling. I say, without intuition there would be no day dreaming and grinning strangers. There would be less hopefulness and more helplessness. Miracles are not logical. They defy it instead.
The other night I was at a taping of The Jimmy Fallon show where 50 Cent was performing. I was not able to sit comfortably as my nauseating feelings were out of control (must have been the jerkiness of the subway ride to the NBC building.) I wanted so badly to run out of the studio but as the cameras were already rolling, I kept my composure. And stood instead on the sidelines.
As soon as 50 Cent performed, I felt a jolt to my ribs. Was it a kick? Was the baby digging the music? What was going on? I believe it WAS my first kick from my little one. And that he/she also liked 50 Cent’s stellar performance. Great new album, by the way.
Later, on my ride home, I found sixty dollars in my coat pocket. I had not worn this coat since last year’s winter blast so I was pleasantly surprised. Found money, woo hoo!
Because my train line began at my stop, I was in an empty car with a sleeping homeless man. No one else was getting on. And my gut feeling told me to do something with that found money. Yes, I put it in his coat pocket as he slept. I crumpled it in a wadl and slipped it to him. He didn’t move a hair.
Some say that act was illogical because I could have gotten hurt. I might have scared him. But I sensed I was safe. And he was most certainly safe with me.
When we reached Canal Street with a jerk of the brakes, he woke slowly, sat up and he put his hands in his pocket. Confused, he pulled out the money and turned towards the strangers in the car in confusion (it was more crowded at this point.) I pretended to read my book. I wanted him to feel something new. I wanted him to feel a little less helpless. I don’t know whether or not he was pleased or afraid because at the corner of my eye, all I saw was his movements. But I hoped he felt taken care of.
I am not a religious person nor am I a perfect person. But there are some things in life that just, “felt right.” Just as that kick during 50 Cent’s performance instilled in me that life is filled with miracles, that moment on the subway felt “just right,” too.
Some times the smallest and most simplest act reminds me that being an IVF girl is not so much about the procedure and the rules (and the needles!) but is more about the leap of faith.
And leaps of faith come in all forms and situations and dates and times and moments…